Mess
by quinnley1
Summary: My take on Buffy's thoughts set during her final scene with Angel in the Ats episode "Sanctuary".


The following dialog is from the Angel episode "Sanctuary" and is the property of Joss, Mutant Enemy, the WB, and any copyright holders. No infringment was intended, and no profit is being made on my part.

_When I woke up this morning, having a tête à tête with my first love over my involvement in the life of my second sister slayer in a dingy police hallway was not how I thought the day would go._

"You should have told me what was going on."  
"I didn't - I didn't think it was your business."  
"Not my business?"

_How can he think that? He knows our history; he knows a little of the recent past, the events leading up to this point. She is the other side of my coin. There but for the grace of god go I. If I allow myself just … one … second to feel that I have the right to judge other humans I'll never stop. I will rain down punishment with only myself gauging the tip of the scales. If I can't get her to see the light, what hope do I have for myself?_

"I needed more time with Faith. I'm not sure…"  
"You needed - do you have any - idea what it was like for me to see you with her? That you went behind my back..."  
"Buffy, this wasn't about you! This was about saving somebody's soul. That's what I do here, and you're not a part of it. That was your idea, remember? We stay away from each other."

_No, that was your idea. Your idea and your decision and your autonomous reaction. You looked into yourself and felt that you had to right to judge my life; the right to take my choices away from me. I never wanted to stay away. I needed to stay away because each time I think about your face in the sewer that day my breathing stops even now. But I couldn't stay away when I heard that she came down here; I can't stay away and let her finish the job she started in taking away everything from my life that matters._

"I came here because you were in danger."  
"I'm in danger every day. You came because of Faith. You were looking for vengeance."  
"I have a right to it."  
"Not in my city."

_Damn, he still knows me better than I give him credit for. But that's just one of the many reasons I came here today. I did come because you are in danger, I came because I can't stand not seeing you, I came because I want to kick Faith's ass. I have a right to vengeance, but I still don't know if I would take it from her. Once again, you're taking away my ability to test myself and make that choice. You want to keep me on that pedestal you set me on? Think I don't have a little blood lust for those who have hurt me deeper than I could ever imagine? I'll show you… _

"I have someone in my life now. That I love. It's not what you and I had. It's very new. You know what makes it new? I trust him. I know him."  
"That's great. It's nice … you moved on. I can't. You found someone new. I'm not allowed to, remember? I see you again it cuts me up inside and the person I share that with is me! You don't know me anymore. So don't come down here with your great new life and expect me to do things your way. Go home!"

_It cuts you up inside? Open me up Angel. Look inside at the hemorrhaging mess you've made of my insides. Look at the wall around my heart that you laid brick by brick. Look at the way my bones dissolve as if they were dipped in acid when I'm around you. Look at my stomach as it twists and turns like Lombard Street into a thousand little knots. I tell you I love him but I can never, never feel anything for him that even begins to touch what I felt for you. What I feel for you. But the stress of trying to deal with the aftermath of Faith and the jealousy of seeing her in your arms, a place you refuse to ever let me go again, is too much. So I have to hurt you. I know you hurt enough already due to your own self-flagellation, and I'm sorry, but I need this. I need to lash out; before the blackness steals my soul. _

"See? Faith wins again."

_Please. Please see the pain you are putting me through. I can't breathe. I know you think that this is all in my best interest but can't you see that you are torturing me worse that you ever did to Drusilla? I'm sorry. I don't want to move on … I don't want anyone else … ask me to leave my great new life that you pushed me into … ask me to never leave you side/your arms/your life … ask me to call Riley right now and end it … I'll do anything … please …_

"Go."

_Please?_


End file.
